Today I wandered around town to acquaint myself with the churches and religious life here, being the responsible trainee RE teacher that I am. Well, if I were to issue a press release that’s what it’d say. In all honesty I was just trying to get a bit of walking in so I could justify a mid-morning snack of cookies and lunch at McDonald’s, and stopping into a couple of churches was just a reasonable afterthought.
So I stop in at one church, take a few pictures, struggle to find anyone in there who is actually praying, and keep moving along. I then turn up a huge pedestrian street, just teeming with humanity. There’s fat teenage girls pushing strollers and yelling at tourists to clear the fuck off, there’s hordes of Japanese people taking pictures of everything and seemingly oblivious to the angry fat mob, and then there are the religious people, standing out on this street with the same sort of dedication as the Titanic band.
I’m not entirely sure why they stand out there. I mean, regardless of what kind of tempting real estate in Heaven a religion offers you, I can’t imagine anyone ever gets convinced to become a Christian simply because some odd-smelling man with a bunch of slightly crumpled and moist pamphlets told them that Jesus died for their sins.
But the thing is, I always talk to them. In fact, I find it impossible NOT to. And so I guess it’s no surprise that today, as I tried to slip past a guy I had talked to about a week ago, one of these crazies called out, to my absolute horror, “Hello, Sam!” There was definitely a moment where I considered putting on a ridiculous foreign accent (“oo ees dees Sem yu spik aff?”), or running away, or simply committing ritual suicide right then and there. Because any one of those options would have been preferable to accepting the terrifying truth that I’m now on a first name basis with a street evangelist.
Well, I didn’t want to be a dick, so I walked over and said hello…but quickly excused myself, at which point he called out after me, “God bless you!” They always say that, and it always makes me want to sneeze retroactively or start singing “Gooooood Bless Aaaaameeeericaaaa…laaaaaaand thaaaaat I looooove, etc etc”.
Eventually I found my way to the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ claim shanty where an overly keen Asian lady with a terrifying empty look in her eyes asked me if I agreed with the statement that science and creation are not incompatible. I honestly do believe that, so I told her so. I waited for the challenge or confirmation that universally follows anything you say to a street evangelist. And I was met with a startled silence. ………… ”Oh!” She wasn’t sure quite where to continue now that she didn’t have any convincing to do. But at the same time her body language and intense empty stare seemed to suggest that I wasn’t dismissed yet. Finally she settled on pulling out a pamphlet that discussed how science and religion are compatible, and she read extracts to me, all the while giving me sideways glances that seemed to suggest that she couldn’t believe I seriously agreed with her.
It was rather boring being read to, but things got really interesting once she put the pamphlet down and tried to ad-lib, which brutally exposed how little training these poor missionaries get. She started discussing with me the idea that people came off the backs of turtles, and how this used to be a ridiculous claim, but now science actually backs up this biblical claim.
Now, I try not to be two-faced, but sometimes when it comes to religious beliefs I make an exception. Even among some of the more fucked up creation stories—and even among doctrinally sound Jehovah’s Witnesses!—this sounds absolutely retarded. But I smiled and nodded anyway, much like how in Israel I used to smile and nod or answer with completely random words if I didn’t understand the question (“What kind of sauce would you like?” “Five.”) Like, I literally had no idea how to respond to her statement.
The first completely incomprehensible part of this conversation was the part where she claimed science thinks we rode in on the backs of turtles. This begs the question: Which branch of science are you following? Because your concept of science seems to be based on a redacted account of all the nonsensical shit I’ve said when I’ve had too much to drink, like the time I (I’m told) insisted I was a brontosaurus. If this is the case, I’d like to know—I’ve always wanted to establish my own religion, but I’ll settle for a field of science. Samology?
And secondly, but more importantly, WHAT BIBLE ARE YOU READING? I mean, I understand the Bible says a lot of really weird things, but I’m pretty sure that, no matter how you want to interpret this woman’s statement, the Bible does not talk about humans mutating from turtle backs, nor does it mention humans coming to Earth, riding in on the backs of turtles like a slow, geriatric invading army. I mean, for fuck’s sake, even the “The Message” translation doesn’t embellish the Bible that badly.
Completely confused, I wandered away from the JWs and found myself at the table hosted by the Catholics. Instead of telling me crazy tales that trump even the tale of how Jesus is edible, they silently handed me a pamphlet on why the pope is a badass and I was left to walk away in peace. God bless the Catholics.
Achoo!
GOOOOOD BLESS AAAMEEEERICAAAAAA…..LAAAAAND THAAAT---aw, fuck it.
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